Julia, I Can Explain

Julia, just because I hid in the oleander bushes behind your house for 9 hours last night — that doesn’t mean I’m a stalker —

I was just curious, Julia — I just wanted to know why my room mate’s motorbike was parked in your driveway

sure, Julia, I do occasionally walk past your house several dozen times a day but that’s just because I think I left something important at your house — I don’t remember what it was but I think if I walk by often enough I might remember

Julia, when I saw my room mate’s stupid little Vespa in your driveway I thought he must be talking to you about how I’m still available, so —

I’m sorry I snuck up and watched you two eating dinner together — I’m sorry I threw a rock that shattered the window Julia, you were laughing with my room mate I thought you needed help getting back to the topic

Julia, when you invited my room mate into your bedroom I assumed he was gonna help you locate the lost item that I left there I heard you flopping around the bedroom looking for a long long time with the lights off

Julia, I can explain the accident that happened to my room mate’s trashy scooter — I decided I needed a weapon while I hid in the oleander bushes in case I got attacked by a weirdo — that’s why I borrowed a rake from your garage — I tested it on a large dark shape in the driveway that turned out to be surprisingly, my room mate’s phony Italian loser-bike — the rake worked well but I needed to be sure — okay — yeah — maybe I did smash the Vespa repeatedly with violent force for 15 minutes

Julia, when the gas tank punctured I accidentally dropped my cigarette — I’m sorry the exploding motorbike caught your house on fire I’m sorry you had to run outside naked I’m sorry I grabbed you but I wasn’t “humping on you” — I was just trying to put out any flames that might possibly be on your skin

Julia, tell the police my room mate found the important item I left in your house the expensive romantic ultra-thin condom I never got to use tell the judge he did not deliver it back to me in a good Christian manner tell the judge he put it evilly on his own tell the jury my room mate’s charred body is his legitimate punishment for theft

Julia, I’m still available if you wanna get back together I chalked your name on the 26 parallel and 33 vertical bars of my cell Julia — I caught a sparrow in the prison yard — I sewed its wings on my pillow when the sparrow flutters I say, “trust me, Julia — we belong together”